When you think of your friends, are these thoughts of fun and laughter also accompanied by one that’s more shadowy? Does a little voice from deep inside your conscience wonder, ‘What have they done for me lately?’ This is a worrisome concept crossing more and more of our minds. While it’s not entirely misplaced, this mindset is selfish. We need to evaluate our philosophy of friendship. Change our way of thinking outward to what we can do for them. Friendship is selfless and about spreading kindness.
If you initiate a friendship with someone simply because of what you believe they might be able to do for you, instead of what you can do for them, think again. No relationship should begin this way, and it is doomed to fail from the start. This goes beyond friendly conversation with a stranger at the local coffee shop or grocery store, or an acquaintance with which you share some common ideals. If you have decided to exchange phone numbers with the intent to chat or text regularly, follow each other on social media, or invite each other to activities, enter into this blossoming friendship with an open mind. Even better, a genuine interest to get to know them. Friendships are about broadening our horizons, which means opening our hearts and minds to a view of the world different from our own.
It’s not all about you! If that’s how you feel, I strongly invite you to change this thought process before you end up alone and miserable. Instead, consider if you have a talent or skill that you could use to help them. Would it be mutually beneficial to enrich both of your lives? Fully encompass the desire to help. Friendship does not need to be complicated! You can do something as simple as lending a compassionate ear, or your eyes if your friend is long distant or texting is preferred. Whether you can change their situation, offer advice, or neither, a friend who needs to vent will always remember the times you were willing to drop what you were doing and listen. This might be the most important thing you can do for a friend, or they can do for you.
As in any other relationship, friendship works both ways. As much as you give to that bond with another person, you also want to receive. Be patient. Good things come to those who wait. The more you give, the more you’ll receive, with interest! Whether that’s time or attention, you want your devotion to be reciprocated. That’s only human nature. However, constantly giving energy and effort into something with nothing in return is the same as spending money without earning. Eventually, you run into a deficit, and then a debt. If you’re worried they’re not listening, then it’s time to speak up a little louder.
Communication is the key to many aspects of life, especially success in friendships. You have constructed a foundation for this friendship. You have labored tirelessly to erect walls and a roof to nurture it. Be careful to avoid building up a wall between you and your friend. If they have done something that upsets you, bring it to their attention immediately. If you don’t, this feeling will fester into betrayal. How could they have done that to you? Usually, it was unintentional. They might have no idea you are upset and are willing to work it out. The simple act of expressing this displeasure you were harboring in your chest will be enough to make you feel ten times better anyway. Talk it out before you start growing distant.
If your friend does the same to you, bravely confide that you unintentionally caused them stress or emotional harm, be receptive to their complaint. Listen with undivided attention. This is the most important thing you can do. Apologize sincerely, and if needed discuss how you can prevent repeating this mistake in the future. We all stumble, but it is how we pick ourselves up that makes us who we are. Working out this difference sooner than later is the quickest way to resolving conflict between friends, and ensuring a long-lasting friendship.
Even with the best of intentions, not all friendships work out so well, and there’s no harm in that. Everyone you meet will leave an imprint in your life, and the same is said for you in their life. My advice on this is to make it a good one. There will be instances where you tried to build a friendship but did not succeed. These are not failures, they are opportunities to gain experience. You should not exit a friendship without being able to say you gave it your best shot. If you discover this person is a negative influence in your life and you made every attempt to discuss this with them, please do not feel guilty about letting that person know. It’s not as easy as removing them from a contact list or blocking their number. It might take a text message or phone conversation to say that you aren’t happy and don’t want to be friends anymore. It sounds a lot like breaking up, but as I mentioned communication is everything.
Keep in mind, you do not own your friend. Your friend has other friends. Other commitments. They may, at some point, choose to spend time with a friend other than you, just as you may want to make the same decision. This is a choice that must be respected. You may have different interests with different friends. And that’s perfectly acceptable. They will want to, and should, talk to other friends. Remember, you are not the only friend they want to spend time with, and that does not make you less significant in their lives or yours. Make plans for another day to do something you can enjoy together.
I encourage you to stop yourself the next time you immediately want to talk about your day, whether it went well or not so well, and ask your friend how their day is going instead. Show a genuine interest in them. A simple change like this can lead to more compassionate friendships, and alter our outlooks on ourselves and others in a positive direction. Embody the philosophy of selfless friendship. We are not perfect, but we can try our best and that’s all anyone can ask for in life.
Kilena Shrelack 